A lovers Soliloquy?

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    MsDitz's Substack

Everywhere I see writers, poets and lovers, describe their person so vividly. They translate that image of you so clearly, that even though I cannot see it in my mind’s eye, if you would stand before me, I know that it is all you.

But I cannot picture. No video plays within my head.

There is no image of my lover.

I cannot rattle on in great detail about how my person looks spread before me on my bed, or how they look as they wake, or wax soliloquies about their sporting form.

My head is all empty but of many words. Of how they feel and sound.

Dear Pumpkin,

I can hear your voice as you softly call my name. Not what anyone calls me. Just you as you check if I'm okay. Or the light intonation changes on your gentle admonishment as you make sure I don't starve due to hyper fixating on a project.

I still feel the graze of your teeth from playful nips, the clash when I'm not wearing my glasses and misjudge our distant so wildly, and of the ghosts of hickeys carefully placed so my condition doesn't make me a giant bruise. I can even feel the meat of your shoulder as I return those playful nips in overwhelming happiness.

When you are not near, I may not picture you. But I can still taste how you overly sweeten your tea or the touch you've left holding me still warm although I've not seen you in days. I hear your laugh even if I'm not the best figuring out the tone of texts. And that sigh sounds bone deep, are you okay?

I may not be able to picture my partner.

Yet I see them in how my son acts when he's not trying to be “perfect and manly” for his father. I hear them in how my daughter shows her kindness to others, and in how she feels safe to be herself around us. I can feel them as though we are all acting silly and dancing in the kitchen, even if my partner is on the other end of the phone.

That love constricts tightly around my heart. It shows me that I am allowed my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own wants. It reminds me that I am loved even when I feel unlovable. It guides me and makes me feel safe, even if I must take on Goliath.

I cannot picture my love.

But I hope I can start to give it to you. A picture of my sweetheart. They may never see this, but if you do. Know that I love you, no matter how far your journey may take you. You may keep that piece of my heart, safely nestled next to your own. So that you always know for certain, that you are loved.